It’s common for people to walk into a divorce feeling like they have to win.
They want to win custody, win the house, win the negotiations. It’s an understandable reaction during an emotional time, but this win-lose mindset often does more harm than good.
Over the years, I’ve seen how focusing on “winning” can hurt families emotionally, financially, and in ways that last far beyond the legal process.
The Emotional and Financial Cost of “Winning at All Costs”
When divorce becomes a battle, both sides usually pay the price.
The emotional cost is high. Parents get locked in conflict, and kids often feel caught in the middle. Former partners stay stuck in anger and blame, which can slow down healing and make co-parenting harder.
The financial cost adds up too. Legal fees increase, negotiations stall, and court battles can drain resources that families need to move forward.
At the end of it all, even the “winner” may realize they’ve lost something along the way.
Focusing on Durable, Workable Solutions
Divorce isn’t about defeating the other person. It’s about creating solutions you can live with, and that work for your family in the long run.
That means looking for fair agreements on parenting time, support, and property, even when emotions are running high. It means thinking not just about today, but about next year and the years after.
Durable solutions last because they reflect the real needs of the people involved, not just what feels like a short-term win.
How Lawyers Can Help Shift the Conversation
As a family law attorney, part of my job is helping clients shift their focus.
I help them understand the difference between standing up for their rights and fighting just to win. I encourage them to think about their goals, their children’s well-being, and what kind of post-divorce life they want to build.
Sometimes that means reminding them that a good agreement isn’t about crushing the other side. It’s about creating stability, fairness, and a path forward.
Building a Future You Can Live With
Success in divorce isn’t about defeating the other side. It’s about building a future you can live with.
That future should allow you to co-parent effectively, manage your finances wisely, and step into the next chapter of your life with as much peace as possible.
Winning isn’t everything. Sometimes, the real victory is creating a life that feels healthy, fair, and forward-looking.
